Intrepid Murmurings

I recently read a post over on API Speaks, where the author was sharing her thoughts (and worries) about potential child spacing. Man, have I thought about this issue a LOT.  It is a much-discussed topic among parents of young children -- there are so many of us wondering if, when (and sometimes how) to grow our families, and what, in an ideal world, would work best for our own particular circumstances. (I will admit here that as an ex-infertile I know how frustrating the whole "timing" discussions can be for some people -- when folks just assume they will get pregnant on the drop of a hat when they decide.  I feel much less annoyed by it all now, having put some distance -- and three kids -- between those challenging times for us.)

In attachment parenting circles, it seems a lot of folks worry about spacing too closely, wanting to allow each child as much attention and connection as possible in the early years.  Some practical issues definitely color this decision for some, in terms of bedsharing/cosleeping, breastfeeding beyond infancy, and babywearing.  Many of us agree that those are all great physical parenting tools for toddlers and preschoolers, not just infants, but if a new baby comes along, sometimes its just not possible to manage that kind of contact with two (or more, ha) kids.  Having two or more kids under 2,  3 or even 4 or 5 can be really draining, tapping a parent's emotional and physical resources beyond what feels comfortable.  Maintaining a solid attachment to two or more babies or toddlers, and finding ways to "fill up their cups" (giving one-one attention) is HARD.  Gentle, positive discipline takes time, energy, and patience that is sometimes lacking when there are many small people and lots of big needs.  

Lonnie and I always knew we wanted at least two kids.  I think we both kind of hoped to space them closely, while we were still young and energetic (ha) and not very entrenched in our grown-up routines and kid-free lifestyle (maybe this is projecting, though I see it as a benefit, after the fact).  Career-wise, I was in a place where I was not sure where I wanted to go, and staying home with kids was an easy sell. Starting a new career after one baby, then taking a break in a year or two for number two and/or three just didn't make sense.   Close spacing seemed right for us.  

Since we had fertility issues before conceiving Emma, we wanted to start trying again soonish, expecting it to take years, possibly. I started gently spacing Emma's frequent nursing during the day at 15 months, and had my first period within two weeks. And then, shockingly, conceived twins that next cycle. OMG!  We were both overjoyed that it had not been difficult to conceive this time around, and freaked out (at least I was) that it had happened SO soon.  That was not exactly how I had envisioned it.  

I then got pretty sick and tired that first tri, and felt SO AWFUL about it all — Emma was still so young, so needy, sensitive and clingy, and I felt like I was unable to mother her the way I wanted.  I fretted about my connection to her, her having to grow up too soon, all the changes we were going to have to make, yada yada yada.  Some of that was valid, but some was just the emotional issues from being pregnant and tired, for sure. It was SO rough, especially as we adjusted to the news, but it was also just a blip, in the longer term.

We did have to start making changes, though. First nightweaning Emma (which we actually started before I knew I was pregnant), then moving her to her own bed and room (while still cosleeping with her for quite awhile– gradually less as she grew used to it). Lonnie took on more and more of her care, especially at bedtime, though I was still home with her all day.  I weaned her completely around 20 months (a little more than halfway through my pregnancy) — I knew I could not nurse 3 after they were born!  We also started her in daycare a few mornings a week, to give me a break (we were also moving, so I had to pack!). That was HARD, and she reacted strongly to being separated at first, but we kept trying and she eventually got used to it and started having fun.

I probably would have held off on many of those changes for a bit longer -- or not done it at all -- if I had not been pregnant.  I think she was for the most part ready for them, though was pushed a bit more than I'd prefer.  But each step, taken over the span of 9 months or so, really did help us all prepare for the babies' arrival.  Making changes slowly, gradually over the course of weeks and months, allowed Emma (and me!) to adjust pretty well.   She stepped up to the new challenges and surprised me, adapting pretty quickly to the new ways of doing things. 

Emma was two when Elsie and Delia were born. 3 under 3 is definitely hard, and crazy, and exhausting! We were lucky that Emma loved babies (real and pretend) and enjoyed helping out, and also was pretty good at playing independently.  She didn't seem to need the level of physical activity that I know some toddlers need, too -- thank goodness -- since we didn't get out very much!   At the time we were just in survival mode for a good 7-8 months, but I was pretty much expecting that since we were having twins, so it felt okay.   There were many times, though, where I struggled with what I felt was best for babies (in terms of sleep, physical contact, and responding to cries) and what I was able to do with twins and a toddler. I hated having to do some things differently than I had with Emma (including letting Elsie and Delia cry it out for naptime), but then again, the girls all seemed to adapt and go with the flow pretty well, and never seemed worse for wear.    

Many people talk about the "village" or "tribe" concept, in terms of having a community that supports mothers during the early days, months, and years.  I think this is HUGE.  Our culture is just not designed to support new mothers with young children.  Our extended families are far apart, we are so removed from our neighbors, and our communities (workplaces included) often don't have good, welcoming spaces or policies that include and support young children and the mothers who care for them.  Taking care of the needs of several (or more) babies or toddlers by yourself is crazy making, and sometimes physically impossible.  

Despite all the modern appliances and baby gear stacked around our house, and a wealth of information about baby care and twins easily searched for online or in books, what I really needed in the early days (and arguably still now!) was more sets of loving arms, more friends, relatives and peers working side by side with me, sharing chores, swapping stories and advice. I am still so thankful that we did have one grandparent or another living with us for the first 2.5 months after Elsie and Delia were born -- whew!  I literally could not have done it (breastfeeding, anyway) without that. I do feel like now, at home alone during the day with 3 kids under 5,  I am not the best parent I could be, in terms of staying calm, gentle and positive, because I am overwhelmed with need and toddler antics.

So in retrospect, in an ideal world, wider spacing would probably have been better for us at least during these early months and years, especially withtwins!  There are things I certainly wished I could have done differently -- both for Emma as a toddler, Elsie and Delia as infants, and even all three, now.  On the flip side, the spacing worked great for us in terms of my staying home with them, condensing this period of caring for young children into a few short years.  And at age two, Emma adjusted to the “new normal” of having two babies in the house super, super fast — she soon could not remember life without her sisters, so we had very little jealousy issues.  Now at age two and four, they all play really well together, and I see that only getting better and better...

There are pros and cons to all different spacings, and I know folks who swear by each of them. And no matter what you "plan", this kind of thing doesn't always go according to your schedule, anyway! No matter what happens, you make it work the best you can.  Some phases are challenging, but kids grow and change so fast, no one stage will last forever.  This is what keeps me going, when the going gets rough! 

What are/were your thoughts or plans for child spacing?  Did it pan out for you, or do you wish it had gone a bit differently?  What have you learned along the way?  

Here's one of my favorite pictures of Elsie (left) and Delia (right), which is currently in the running for photo of the week over at Multiples and More -- go vote!  

This was back in early May, when it was still kinda chilly (hence the fleece coats!), but sunny enough to bust out the water table.  Elsie and Delia looooove the water and do not mind getting wet (if I recall, several feet, complete with socks and shoes, also went into the water -- ha ha!)    

Linking up with Wordless Wednesday posts over at A Lot of Loves and Hobo Mama.   

Oh blog, sorry to have forsaken you these past two weeks!  Its August, and motivation has slowed to a standstill while other obligations continue to press on.  I've been doing huge amounts of laundry and slowly unpacking from our camping trip, working on my huge CD project that has been taking up prime real estate on the living room play table (amazingly, the kids have been ignoring the stacks and stacks of alphabetized CDs, which even a few months ago would not have happened AT ALL).  

Swimming lessons are done and Emma is on "summer break" from her year round preschool (ah, thats another post I want to do!) so I've also been planning various outings and fun things to do with a more relaxed schedule, including a trip down to Grandma Cynthia & Grandpa Richard's next week!   I do have a bunch of posts cued up in my mind -- a camping recap with lots more photos, a post about preschoolers and food (I need advice!), a post about the upcoming LLL conference I just signed up for, and one with some tips and tricks for dealing with twins or multiple children in the early days.  

But. For today, I will research organic blueberry picking in Seattle (is it to late?), work on (dare I say finish?) my dreaded CD project, and head to the park with the little's to enjoy the glorious sunshine.   What are you doing with these last few weeks of summer?  

We're home, and I have lots to say about our first ever camping trip as a family, but for now, just a few pics.  More soon!  

Hey all, not much time to blog as I try to get us organized for our first ever camping trip as a family of 5 (and also as a family of anything but 2).  REI is thanking me for the bucks I spent there this week on a new 6 person tent, as well as a few other camping items.  Digging through our camping stuff, I realized, in fact, we have very little.  Like only one sleeping bag!  And two camping pads. Yeeps!  I was counting on warm weather and just laying out blankets for everyone, and we still obviously will do that, but I just realized the temp is supposed to get down to 50 (F) at night.  Much colder than I expected, boo!  And, of course, slight showers possible Sat night...

I do think we'll have tons of fun, though, regardless.  We are going with a few other families from our multiples club, and will have a group site, which should be very spacious and accommodating.  And, if we forget anything ciritical, I am sure we will be able borrow/share from someone else in our group. 

However, I still have a lot of packing to do.  My question to you: what gear to you find critical (or just highly recommended) when camping with kids?   What activities are easy & fun to do (and what do I need to pack for them?).  We are car camping so space is not really an issue... 

My biggest worry is, of course, the sleeping situation.   Any tips on how to arrange the tent?  What do your kids sleep in and on (blankets? sleeping bags? Mats or pads of some sort?).   Any tips on getting them to nap or to sleep at night while the sun is still up?   We are big about sleep schedules and routines around here so we will stick to them as best we can, but this will definitely be a new experience for us all!  

Its hot here!  Finally!  Here's some ideas I have for this week to avoid doing a lot of indoor cooking in the heat of the day:  

Sunday: Grilled marinated pork chops, grilled flatbread, corn on the cob (for the kids, only 2 from our CSA this week!) & green salad

Monday:  Pasta salad with tuna, chickpeas, tomato & basil, beet greens

Tuesday:  Meatloaf (pork & turkey combo, cooked in the bread machine!), grilled pattypan squash & grilled potato packets 

Wednesday: Crock pot turkey legs (probably something like this, not exactly sure yet!), bread or brown rice, kale from the garden

Thursday: Homemade pizza (dough from bread machine, cooked on the grill if its still hot out!) & fruit

Friday: Camping!  I need ideas (dairy and beef free) for something yummy and easy!  

Saturday:   Camping!  Send those ideas my way, please!

Ten simple things bringing me joy this week:

 

Peeps sharing a family meal

I love organization.  I love reading about it, I love looking at pictures of it,  and occasionally, I am good at accomplishing it myself.  I can do it if I try.  I just, often, don't.  Or, rather, I get overwhelmed, or distracted, or just lazy, and then ignore what needs to be done.  This has always been the case with me, but motherhood definitely makes it more obvious. Ha ha!  

One thing I've been thinking about (for months now) is how I needed to revamp the structure to our days.  I need to be more intentional about what we (and I) do, so that all the fun projects and ideas I have -- as well as the chores -- don't get continually pushed off to another day, or totally forgotten.  So many times I tell Emma "we can do that tomorrow" and then we never do, and she and I feel bad (I'm still mostly off the hook with the little ones, though I'm sure they'll start holding me to my words soon, too) .  

Waaaaaay back in April, I posted about being more intentional about daily planning and scheduling, and also brainstormed all the ideas I had about what exactly I wanted us to be doing.  But then, I was never able to make the leap and fill out a daily plan.  Writing down exactly what comes when is apparently akin to scheduling dental work, for me.  And so, here we are, it's now mid-August.  

But!  I had an epiphany last week, and it only took me another week to get it to fruition.  Progress!  I realized instead of an hourly, do-this-now kind of daily schedule, what I needed was more of a collection of ideas.  A guide, but with no particular order imposed.  So I created a form with all the elements that I knew I wanted, bringing together various lists I had going, either in my head, on paper, or on my computer.  I printed a bunch of them, and have them on a clipboard that I can carry wherever I want.  

What's on my daily plan page?  A to-do list, with space for only 6 (!) things, including outings, I want to remember and accomplish.  A space to write in meal plans: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack (dinners I try to fill out ahead weekly, the rest kind of fall into place a few days, or hours, in advance).  

I also created boxes for different types of activities I want to make sure we get to each day: independent play (things the kids do alone, by themselves), cooperative play (things they do together, for the most part, but hopefully without my constant assistance), and "projects together" (things I do WITH them, either one-on-one or as a group).   I also put a box for TV, so I can keep track of who's turn it is to pick, and what or how much they've watched (I limit it to an hour a day, sometimes its less).   

At the top right corner, I left a blank space big enough to clip on one of the Positive Discipline Tool Cards, which are kind of a cheat sheet/memory jog for various positive discipline strategies I am trying to work on.  I've been trying to figure out how to use these cards, and I think this will be a great way to remember to look at them! 

I also left some bank spaces, either for more activity ideas, notes, or to jot down quotes or funny things I want to remember.  So far, its been working well! Some days I get to it more than others, but even if I haven't filled out every box, the fact that its on the page is enough of a reminder.  And never fear!  There are plenty of days when we don't get to many of the activities or tasks on the list!  But, then I can just circle it and transfer it to another day.  I think this should help a lot! 

How much do you plan out your day with kids?  Have you written out a schedule?  Are you a list person like me?  How structured are you, and how do you remember what you want to accomplish each day? 

We don't usually do matchy matchy around here much, especially not all three, as Emma has Very Particular opinions about what she wears.  But this was too tempting.  Emma already had and wore this outfit, and when I saw it come up on sale again I grabbed two more for the little ones.  Note individual choices for leg and footwear.  Delia loves her "Docky Boots" (Doc Martens) and I do too.  

In all photos, Delia on left, Emma in center, Elsie on right 

"You do not merely want to be considered just the best of the best. You want to be considered the only ones who do what you do" - Jerry Garcia

15 years ago, I had just graduated from high school.  I was helping my mom with preschool summer camps held at her house (fun!).  I remember hearing the news, and having various friends, even non-deadheads, call to sympathize throughout the morning.  The next day, a friend and I headed down to Eugene to a vigil, where various pranksters, including "Mountain Girl", spoke.  Kesey's bus, Furthur 2, made an appearance as well (I would see it again a year later as Ken drove it through a huge, weepy but celebratory crowd the following summer at the Veneta Country Fairgrounds for the first Furthur Festival).  Some how I doubt it will be rolling through next month, when Lonnie & I head over to see the boys at this years Furthur Fest here in Seattle....

Anyway, for a deadhead, Aug 1 (his birthday) through Aug 9th (his passing) is a week to remember & reminisce.  Tonight in San Fran, its Jerry Garcia Night at the ballpark, where the remaining members of the Dead sang the national anthem, Jerry bobbleheads were distributed (ha!) and Mickey and Bill (the drummers) are aiming for a world record by leading the fans in a kazoo performance of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".  Jerry's daughter threw out the first pitch, as well.  I like baseball, but that one in particular sounds pretty entertaining!  I'm hoping there's a little Youtube action with clips from this, tomorrow!

On that note, here's one from 1993 when the Grateful Dead sang the Star Spangled Banner for another Giants game.  Not the best audio, but sweet nonetheless.

And while we are at it, here's a fab version of one of my favorite songs, Sugar Magnolia, recorded @ Stanford on 02/09/73.  Ah.  I was born on that campus three & a half years later...

Its Muffin Tin Monday! This week's muffin tin meal was a last minute thought as I pulled out tons of little containers of leftovers from the fridge. What better way to highlight (and separate) them than a muffin tin!  

Counterclockwise from the bottom left:  rotisserie chicken, whole grain pancakes, good old box mac & cheese (with corn and a little taco meat added), watermelon, maple syrup for dipping, avocado and/or maple glazed carrots.  And milk!  And new map placemats!   The inside of my fridge was SO much better looking after clearing some of this stuff out, too... 

Lately, the kids and I have been on each others nerves.  They have been really annoying me, frankly.  And I have been overly grumpy and losing my temper.  My positive discipline class has been over for quite awhile now, and while a few of us meet up monthly to brush up and keep the momentum going, we are taking the month of August off.   I sure could use some refreshers and commiseration, though!  I have been decidedly NOT positive on more than a few occasions! 

My girls are definitely going through a challenging time, behavior wise.  E & D are so decidedly TWO in their behavior.  Yelling, screaming and whining, making huge messes and then avoiding clean up, dawdling and then ignoring my requests.  I think that last one is the hardest for me right now -- until recently they were pretty good about doing what I asked, which was incredibly helpful.  And now, attitude!  Tantrums!  Squabbles and fights!  I knew it was coming, but having not one but THREE kids testing  me and pushing buttons (but also desprately NEEDING me, and trying to get that attention in all sorts of ways) is a lot harder to work with than one, which is what it has been until recently.  Gah!  

I need to search out some folks (online or in real life) that are working on positive discipline with several (or more) young children.  Any tips on this, readers?  Most of the positive discipline, "gentle parenting" people I know in real life or have read (blog-wise) just have one toddler or preschooler, or perhaps have more kids but they are older, school age and teens.  I know those years will be challenging in their own ways, but the three kids under 5 thing feels like such a different ball game in terms of positive discipline strategies (working on "agreements"? Brainstorming solutions together? Ha ha!) and I just don't know how to handle certain situations positively and gently when the toddler pack-mentality strikes or when they are feeding off each other...

Ah!  This was mostly supposed to be a post about my trip to the farmers market today, and look at it now!  I was feeling overwhelmed with need and grumpiness again this AM, so I decided to get the heck out of here and headed to the farmer's market solo.   Woohoo!  Of course, as soon as I was gone, they were great with Daddy!  I had a great time looking at all the fabulous produce and more at the market, and felt so leisurely buying my goods without kids in tow.  Here is the bounty from my shopping: 

Mini artichokes (one of each of us, including the kids, they LOVE them!), tomatoes, cherries, nectarines, sugar snap peas, Walla Walla and red onions, two HUGE fennel bulbs, and one whole (gutted) pink Alaskan salmon.  

I definitely need to schedule a few more solo breaks like this in the near future (not just grocery shopping, which I often do sneak out for).  I am usually pretty good about doing that, but things have been busy and this (albeit quick) outing was much needed! 

1. Enjoyed the last homegrown raspberries of the season
2. Hung cloth diapers on the line
3. Lost my temper and yelled at my kids
4. Went on a hike with two adults and 6 kids under 4!  
5. Lounged in actual lounge chair at swimming lessons, woohoo!
6. Dealt with two poopy diapers at the pool (at least they were not the swimmers, ha ha)
7. Enjoyed a cup of green tea in a new mug, and was not interrupted once
8. Mowed the lawn, for the first time in 5 years
9. Nursed upset toddler in middle of half-mowed lawn
10. Had to laugh at ridiculousness of twin-induced tantrum (one insulted by sister's pretending)